Thursday, March 31, 2005

The weight of the world / is love.

I am so tired right now. Allergies have been a bit of a nuisance last few days. Especially on my eyeballs. So I'm all eyeball-itchy right now, and tired. Was at SALT until 7ish. I swear I almost died on way home. Was on the bike path on Mountain coming home, and this jerkbutt suddenly comes flying out of a side street on his bike. No light, turning right into me -- ie, he was goign the wrong way -- and never, of course, stopped for the stop sign. And missed me by about 2 inches.

I actually stopped for a moment, my heart was beating so fast.

Came home, realized that I had forgotten to go to store to get cat food, and cat meowing pissed off like, so off on bike fast as I can (CSI at 8, ya know). Got cat food and somethign quick for myself, now too exhausted to contemplate making a stirfry. Came home fast as I could, managed to hit a frickin' pothole on a pitch black back street (despite a bike light, mind you), almost biffing major major time and ending up with my foot slamming hard into pavement so that my ankle hurts like HELL now.

But I got back home in time for CSI. Spud took one look at food in bowl and wandered off, happy to know it was there. Little bastard.

Today kind of feels like one of those days where I was in a bit of a dumb gerg mode. For a whole variety of reasons. But I did, I should note, get some damn good work done on "And The Star Fell." I think I figured out what needs to change, and be added, and saw all sorts of little details to bring out, and had a "well, fucking duh" moment about one story element. Lots of notes written, some changes made.

Anyway. Spookit won the contest, got her gift certificate. Feel bad for Junli, because she was skunked by technical difficulties. Two words: Fscking Blogger. Maybe I make it up to her sometime. And Junli showed me a video of a baby doing the whole baby talk thing -- otherwise known as baby take pure joy in the production of sound. Just killed me. Is the most amazing thing, babies playing with sound and language. Kind of thing that can make you giggle happily for days. There's the key to life, that baby -- take joy in that shit. Complete, boundless joy.

Okay. Off with me. Dumb ankle...dumb gerg...but I can make sound. :-)

March Lyrics Contest 03/31/05 Final Day Edition

Our final day, and Spookit has the lead. But Junli is right on her heels, and could tie this sucker up and force Yours Truly to figure out how to have a run-off. Unless, of course, either of them managed to find a way to bribe me into awarding two points...

Gecko, of course, would have to have a bribe of major proportions, simply cuz of those snarky accusations of girl bias earlier in the month :-).

All of this, of course, is moot if a bribe so amazing has already been entered that all others are doomed. Or, you know, blackmail.

Official (hah!) rules here.

The Exalted Ranks of the Sexy Elite:
Spookit: 6
Junli:6
Gecko:5
Amy:3
Everyone else: unsexyville



Today's lyrics -- I couldn't NOT do this guy during this contest. And this one is so easy you should be EMBARASSED if you can't get it without cheating:

Hey little sister what have you done
Hey little sister who's the only one



Remember, first posted comment with correct artist and song title wins the day. If you don't have a blogger id, use the "other option in the comment dialog and type in your name, by crickey. Bribes welcome. And yeah, I know, it's a horribly unfair set up. And frankly going to be just dripping with cheating. But please see rules for info on how complaints will be handled. :-)

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

and wearing only a very small / bird's nest / in a very existential place

Okay, blog some more. What the heck.

I was thinking, a bit earlier, about cynicism. I think I've talked about it before -- about how I realized that had been one of my defenses. One of the ways that I protected myself and, above all, maintained that numbness that claimed my life for so long. Not a fun way to live. Realizing, more and more, just how dead a way to live it was.

I've been feeling a lot less cynical. I keep finding myself laughing. It's nice feeling.

Was reading a bit of Harlan Ellison today, who at times can be as cynical as they come. But I loved this bit from the intro to Paingod and Other Delusions:

While not naive, she is innocent. And that's a dangerous, but laudable capacity: to wander through a world that can be very uncaring and amorally cruel, and still be astonished at the way the sunlight catches the edge of a coleus leaf. Anybody puts her down for that has to go through me first.


He was writing about a friend who kept having bad luck in love. And captures, for me, how I want to live. I used to try to find the ugly -- the ulterior motive, the hypocrasy, the hidden contempt. The decay and ruin and death. Thing is, if you look for it, you'll find it. There is ugly in the world. This is a truth. But there is also beauty. I know what I will look for now. And beauty, like ugly, is found when it is looked for. And it's also a verb, remember?

Last week, I was out with a friend, and while we were driving she said something that touched me in a very deep place, more than I think she knew at the time. She said, so matter of factly, that one of the most beautiful things was when it was raining at night, and the streetlights and the lights of the cars glittered on the wet pavement. I agreed, but probably didn't have half of what was going inside of me at that moment in my voice. Because my soul was screaming YESYESYES.

I think -- I think I've come to the conclusion that there is no statement that encompasses the basic truth of the universe. Rather, there are many. That was one of them. I can't really explain what I mean. You'll either understand me or not. I sure didn't for a long time -- or, to put it more accurately, I tried desperately not to. Because seeing beauty involves pain, and I avoided that at all costs. And hurt so very, very much as a result. Last week, if it was about anything, was just that -- the full realization of how much I had hurt, and did hurt.

Ellison, in that introduction, also said:

Everybody needs to belong to somebody. Sometime. For an hour, a day, a year, forever...it's all the same.


Yes. Yes yes yes. I tried, for so many years, to not belong to anyone. More of the cynicism, the automatic assumption of all that ugly. And now I want to give myself to others -- not in some surrender doormat kind of way, but equal gift to equal gift. To my friends, who give so much of themselves to me. To a lover, the ultimate belonging. I want the connections, the beauty of the connections. The pins and needles scream.

The wheel of the quivering meat conception

My. Eyes. Are. So. Itchy.

This is the main, overriding sensation right now. There are others. I sort of have that pins and needles feeling again, like parts of me are waking up. Long, long dormant parts, and as they move, there is pain. Wonderful pain, mind you, because you know that pins and needles feeling -- there's a secret thrill to it, because you know in a bit it will stop, and the feeling then will be the bestest ever. And this awakening feeling right now makes me laugh, partly at myself, mostly in just sheer happiness.

I am teased about it, and love every minute of it. But don't tell anyone.

Post titles in the early part of the week, if you never got the thread, were all from songs from the Pulp Fiction soundtrack. See if you can figure out the new thread over the next few days. ;-)

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

March Lyrics Contest 03/30/05 Edition

Official (hah!) rules here.

The Exalted Ranks of the Sexy Elite:
Spookit: 6
Junli:6
Gecko:5
Amy:3
Everyone else: unsexyville


Only today's entry and tomorrow's left for this contest, and the race is as tight as can be. Who will win? Will Gecko leave Junli and Spookit in tears? Will Junli win the day? Will Spookit? Today and tomorrow will determine our winner. Stay tuned!

Today's lyrics:

I can’t do the talk like they talk on tv
And I can’t do a love song like the way it’s meant to be
I can’t do everything but I’d do anything for you
I can’t do anything except be in love with you



Remember, first posted comment with correct artist and song title wins the day. If you don't have a blogger id, use the "other option in the comment dialog and type in your name, by crickey. Bribes welcome. And yeah, I know, it's a horribly unfair set up. And frankly going to be just dripping with cheating. But please see rules for info on how complaints will be handled. :-)

They bought a souped-up jitney, 'twas a cherry red '53

[Listening to: You Never Can Tell - Chuck Berry - Pulp Fiction (3:13)]

Quickie post, just cuz, you know, I haven't posted enough today...

Fun fun fun talking to Beth for a while. So exhausted, but a very nice way to end my day. But hopefully next coffee outing I won't be working on too many hours of work and not enough hours of sleep and a brain that has been drained of all power. I will hope that I didn't sound like a gibbering ape.

I think I'm in bed soon. Tomorrow is another till 8 pm day, but miraculously get to sleep in a little. I survived the two hell days. Tomorrow I might have time to -- gasp! -- write or something.

Playin' solitaire 'till dawn with a deck of fifty-one

[Listening to: Never Grow Old - The Cranberries - Wake Up and Smell the Coffee (2:35)]

Briefly home before returning to SALT. Had dinner, and will do dishes so I don't have to face them when I get home. I have two words to say: Stupid. Allergies. Eyes itchin' like, well, really itchy things. Itchy itchy itchy. And still distracted, a fact that Amy and Spookit seemed to be just having the bestest fun with today. I love my friends :-).

Get to see Beth tonight. Looking forward to it, haven't seen her since last June. Too long...

Am starting, today, to finally begin revisions on "And the Star Fell." Had enough time to get over the swing from deep immersion to EEEEK! IT SUCKS!!!! So hopefully a new draft will be together soon, and peeps who were promised copies will finally see them, and the one person who did see the first draft, ere I looked at it and did that screaming thing, will have something a little less rough to read.

Been thinking a lot about the writing thing, and what I want to do, what I think it needs to be for me. More on that soon...

March Lyrics Contest 03/29/05 Edition

Early post yet again today, since not sure when i'll be home...

Official (hah!) rules here.

The Exalted Ranks of the Sexy Elite:
Spookit: 6
Junli:6
Gecko:4
Amy:3
Everyone else: unsexyville


Amy probably wants to start cheating now.

Today's lyrics:

Woman you want me, give me a sign
And catch my breathing even closer behind



Remember, first posted comment with correct artist and song title wins the day. If you don't have a blogger id, use the "other option in the comment dialog and type in your name, by crickey. Bribes welcome. And yeah, I know, it's a horribly unfair set up. And frankly going to be just dripping with cheating. But please see rules for info on how complaints will be handled. :-)

Being good wasn't always easy, no matter how hard I tried

Golly. I'm dead tired, can barely think, but still my brain manages to be...distracted. Oh so distracted. This is getting silly...

During a spare moment today I found myself flipping through my journal/writing book. Sort of half a journal, half a place to write when I'm away from the computer. Lots of bits and pieces, poetry, random notes for stories, old-fashioned journal entries (especially of late). Had it since October or so. Very interesting to look it over, given how eventful these months have been. Lots of dead-end stories, or things I just plain forgot about. Lots of scenes reworked again and again, some magic piece missing. Poetry rather more exciting, with sometimes several drafts in one day. I can, for instance, see the truly physical obsession that the house poem became, with multiple drafts written out by hand in one day, feverish, illegible writing...

One thought moment particularly grabbed me. From when I first got the book, in October, and was trying out a scene for the stalled Elfland story. There's some random notes scribbled down at the end that turn into a Greg thinking about Greg moment (this is pre-Gerg). And it's weird, because in it I think I see the beginnings of what followed -- the slam into the brick wall, that crisis point of breakdown. I was glimpsing something important:

I want to be free. Finally, at last free. To live dream instead of just have dreams. What an odd phrase. To have a dream. As if it's an object.


G'night.

Monday, March 28, 2005

The coolerator was crammed with TV dinners and ginger ale

OH MAN.

I just got home. I'd like to repeat that. I just got home. Now, I'd like to say that I just got home because I was off having wild, sweaty sex, but alas, I was tutoring. 9-7 at SALT, then 3 hours tutoring a private student at Bentley's, going over 30 pages worth of two papers.

My brain hurts.

Come to think of it, I will say it. I was out having wild, sweaty sex. I'll even pretend it's with who I wish it was with. There. That sounds SO much better.

I got a present today that made me strangley happy. It's...hypnotic. And has magic powers. 'tis true. Junli said so, and she never lies. Or at least always has the strange compulsion to tell people when she's lying. And it tingles. My preeeeecious....

Junli won the lyrics contest today, very early post this time. Regarding the clue -- sadly, the news this morning contained an item saying that Paul Hester, once the drummer for Crowded House, commited suicide. And ya know, Crowded House was just one of the archetypal 80s bands.

My brain still hurts. I go and slowly turn unconscious.

March Lyrics Contest 03/28/05 Edition

Early post today, since won't be home until after 10...

Official (hah!) rules here.

The Exalted Ranks of the Sexy Elite:
Spookit: 6
Junli:5
Gecko:4
Amy:3
Everyone else: unsexyville


Amy probably wants to start cheating now. Today's lyrics, well -- you get a hint. Today's lyrics are a tribute.

Today's lyrics:

Love can make you weep
Can make you run for cover
Roots that spread so deep
Bring life to frozen ground



Remember, first posted comment with correct artist and song title wins the day. If you don't have a blogger id, use the "other option in the comment dialog and type in your name, by crickey. Bribes welcome. And yeah, I know, it's a horribly unfair set up. And frankly going to be just dripping with cheating. But please see rules for info on how complaints will be handled. :-)

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Jungle Boogie Jungle Boogie Get it on

So the week begins. A bit of a...busy one, this week. Yes. Busy. Tomorrow I tutor until 7 pm at SALT, and then go to Bentley's to work with an old student of mine from SALT, now in grad school and no longer in the program. Will be good money, but may be there for several hours. Tuesday will be equally late, but at least the evening portion involves going out with an old friend after I get off work at 8pm. The old friend is Beth, who was actually my first girlfriend back in high school, and is Good People. Rest of week is looking heavy on the work side.

Had a nice conversation with mom this morning. Had fun at baseball game. Was so good to see Barry again, and Emily. They are such truly amazing, fun people. Tucson just isn't the same without them. Got to see Ronnie, too, someone who I tutored at SALT until he graduated last year. Will be having lunch with him next weekend, too. The actual baseball was fun, too. My sister, sadly, seemed bored, but I had a good time. Dbacks beat up on KC, got to see a lot of the new players. Should be fun season. And the day was drop dead gorgeous, mid 70s, crystal clear, just perfect baseball weather, that kind where you sit there in the sun and get comfortably heated up in that strangely pleasant way -- you know the kind, the kind that gives you that added pleasure when you get into shade or get home and get out of the sun. Both parts are wonderful.

And I had a nice email from my brother-in-law this evening, one that reminded me how Chris falling in love with him and marrying him added so much to my life, too. One of the nice things about relationships like that -- other peeps benefit, too. :-)

There was some drama this weekend, but it seems to have worked out a bit, and overall -- good weekend. And I sit here and am hit with the realization that I had on Friday -- that last week, as painful as it was in so many ways, may be the greatest week of my life. Something amazing happened. Not to say everything is peachy or fixed or perfect. But who cares. The blog title sez it all -- We are embarked. Into the river of life, and all its messiness.

March Lyrics Contest 03/27/05 Edition

Official (hah!) rules here.

The Exalted Ranks of the Sexy Elite:
Spookit: 6
Junli:5
Amy:3
Gecko:3
Everyone else: unsexyville


Gecko pulls even with the only person in this competition not to cheat -- well, she claims she doesn't.

Today's lyrics:

It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do



Remember, first posted comment with correct artist and song title wins the day. If you don't have a blogger id, use the "other option in the comment dialog and type in your name, by crickey. Bribes welcome. And yeah, I know, it's a horribly unfair set up. And frankly going to be just dripping with cheating. But please see rules for info on how complaints will be handled. :-)

Saturday, March 26, 2005

'Cause you make me feel so brand new

So, regular readers of the insanity that is this blog will know, by now, that Yours Truly has been going through one of those periods of life. A breakdown essentially, as old edifices crumble down. It's just as well -- these particular edifices had never exactly worked. At all. Unless, of course, we're talking hiding. They were good for hiding. I was excellent at hiding. But now, these last few months, the cracks began to appear, the walls started to crumble down, and -- especially this past week -- they just turned into dust.

Not sure, yet, exactly what will be replacing them. We are still at breakdown. The demolition phase. What gets built next, that's the adventure.

And I keep coming up against this feeling -- that idea that so many basic life skills have atrophied. One that is increasingly coming to my attention is the ability to read people. Now, you'd think I'd have some ability here -- I am a writer, after all, and with that one would think would come some observation skills. All stories are about that great tragiocomedy called the Human Condition, and so you'd think I'd be better tuned into the Things Humans Do. The Subtle Ways of Communication, say.

Nope. Completely hopeless at it. Nowhere is this more apparent than with that mysterious part of the species known as...The Opposite Sex. In my case, this refers to women. Your mileage may vary. I've mentioned the fact that there is a bit of a crush on the part of Gerg for someone from that category. And I'm realizing how hopeless I am at reading her. Am I getting signals? Am I not? What are these vaunted signals, anyway? Do people just make them up? Does A, B, or C qualify as a signal, or am I just reading from the vantage of my own hope and desire? Have signals come my way that I completely missed? Am I just, in the end, on drugs?

I've had several occasions where I was informed I was getting signals from someone, and never noticed. I'm hopeless, it seems, at this. If it's a teachable skill, sign me up.

This all bothers me for several reasons. One is the writing. Those years of numbness, folks, took work. Had to deliberately not pay attention. I had this horrid realization today -- I can't say, off the top of my head, what color eyes any of the people I know have. My observation skills just haven't been used, and so I tend to space. Having to unlearn that, pay more attention to the pageant around me...the writing needs it. I need it. It's a beautiful thing to watch, that pageant, as I found out on Friday when I seemed to be tuned into details more than usual. Seeing the world at that level is the kind of thing that can sustain me...

Another reason, of course, is that there is someone I'm a bit giddy about, and I'd dearly love to know if I have a chance, dearly love the chance to make them feel amazing and beautiful and wonderful. Don't get me wrong -- I'm not looking for the perfect "yes, she likes you, go ahead" kind of answer. T'would be nice, but I'm not stupid. Risk will always be involved. But it would be nice to have some idea, all told. There are reasons, having to do with complicated situations, that would make me more willing to move if I knew the deck was at last stacked in my favor a bit. There's gambling and there's gambling, and there's existing stuff I wouldn't want to jeopardize, and...

You get the idea. Point is, here's a skill that I need to work on. Maybe not this whole signal thing per se, but at least the notion of paying deeper attention to the world around me. As I find ways to avoid falling asleep, I realize that paying attention to the world around me is crucial. I close myself off by closing off my senses. I have to open them up and stay out of my head, which, if left to its own devices, creates unreal worlds to avoid this one with.

Eyes open, ears open...all senses online. Engage...*wonders if she likes me*

(p.s. for a while, i may have some fun plucking random quotes and such for the subject lines of my posts. Have some fun, try to guess the source. No prize. Sorry. )

March Lyrics Contest 03/26/05 Edition

Official (hah!) rules here.

The Exalted Ranks of the Sexy Elite:
Spookit: 6
Junli:5
Amy:3
Gecko:2
Everyone else: unsexyville


Spookit's back in the lead. Will she stay there, or faceplant before the might of others? Stay tuned!

Today's lyrics:

O Ah hear her walkin'
Walkin' barefoot cross the floor-boards
All thru this lonesome night
Ah hear her crying too.



Remember, first posted comment with correct artist and song title wins the day. If you don't have a blogger id, use the "other option in the comment dialog and type in your name, by crickey. Bribes welcome. And yeah, I know, it's a horribly unfair set up. And frankly going to be just dripping with cheating. But please see rules for info on how complaints will be handled. :-)

Two Shots of Happy, One Shot of Sad

So I'm tired and can't sleep. Stupid caffeine. So, blog.

Had coffee at Bentley's with the Spookit tonight, and had more great conversation. Some of it silly, some of it deep. Lots of talk about life and passion and art. Nice nice nice. I <3 my friends.

This was a hard week. A very, very hard week. But here, at the end of it, I feel like I have learned something. I have learned that this pain is good. That this is, perhaps, the greatest moment of my life, simply because here, finally, I have reached a point where I can finally begin. Junli told me that, really, I am lucky, because I get to experience everything as if for the first time. And that's kind of what it feels like. I am a noob. The world lies before me, and I can experience it like a child. There is something amazing in that.

Tonight, waiting outside for Spookit to pick me up, the moon was so beautiful as it danced among the clouds that I almost cried. I'm doing that a lot right now. A lot of pain behind many of the tears, but also this -- just the awareness of the beauty around me. There was this point, too, tonight -- Spook had gone to get us more coffee. We were sitting outside. And so I was just sitting there, kind of staring down Speedway towards Cherry, and I could see the traffic light there doing its rounds. Red, yellow, green, red, yellow, green...and the street lights, of course, that odd, deep yellow light, and the cars flashing by. And it, too, was oddly beautiful.

And today was filled with that. Blossom-heavy trees wept yellow tears as the wind blew through them. There was Junli walking towards me in a beautiful skirt. Amy sitting in the SALT courtyard, smiling happily as she talked on the phone with Matt. Spookit taking pictures of a stuffed ninja in various poses. Sitting on the mall and feeling the wind. Seeing a couple stop to kiss each other. Hearing laughter.

It's a bit like those quotes from American Beauty, really. It fills me up until I feel like I'm going to burst, and I have to just relax and let it flow through me. I feel like all my senses are heightened, that the floodgates of my perception have been opened, and this stuff is pouring through me. It is overwhelming. It is terrifying. And it's the most amazing feeling in the world.

All those beauties. All that beautying. I was about to say all those small beauties, but I don't think there are small beauties. They are all large. Beyond large. They are everything. Monday, when Junli and I had dinner, she said something at one point about how beautiful it is when it is raining at night and the streetlights and car lights glint on the wet pavement. And there, I think, may be the purpose of life. To see that beauty, to embrace it, and let it flow through you. I had a professor who said it once -- that in 70 years of life, the only thing he had really learned was that beauty was the only meaning of life. Today I think I really, at last, began to understand that.

In the midst of this pain I'm going through I feel so happy. And I'm also crying, mourning for the Gregs that came before Gerg, who closed themselves off to all of this. My memorial to them is this, that I will not close myself off again.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Beautiful night

The craftsman moon etches clouds into the dark gray-blue sky
As they drift past on their way to elsewhere

March Lyrics Contest 03/25/05 Edition (corrected)

Official (hah!) rules here.

The Exalted Ranks of the Sexy Elite:
Junli:5
Spookit: 5
Amy:3
Gecko:2
Everyone else: unsexyville


Gecko is on the move. Will the women, so confident just days ago, whither before the onslaught? Junli talked tough last night (and Gecko talked math, which is just SAD), but we shall see in the final 6 days.

Today's lyrics:

Will you recognize me
Call my name
Gonna walk on fire
Rain keeps falling
Rain keeps falling
Down, down, down



Remember, first posted comment with correct artist and song title wins the day. If you don't have a blogger id, use the "other option in the comment dialog and type in your name, by crickey. Bribes welcome. And yeah, I know, it's a horribly unfair set up. And frankly going to be just dripping with cheating. But please see rules for info on how complaints will be handled. :-)

Thursday, March 24, 2005

March Lyrics Contest 03/24/05 Edition

Official (hah!) rules here.

The Exalted Ranks of the Sexy Elite:
Junli:5
Spookit: 5
Amy:3
Gecko:1
Everyone else: unsexyville


Yesterday finally saw a guy win the day. Go bro-in-law.

Today's lyrics:

Today loves smile on me,
It took away my pain, said please
All that you ride is free,
You gotta let it be,
Oh ya.


Remember, first posted comment with correct artist and song title wins the day. If you don't have a blogger id, use the "other option in the comment dialog and type in your name, by crickey. Bribes welcome. And yeah, I know, it's a horribly unfair set up. And frankly going to be just dripping with cheating. But please see rules for info on how complaints will be handled. :-)

Sleep is for the weak, anyway

I slept, as someone said I would, like the proverbial baby. Not sure if I even moved. Sadly it was for not nearly long enough, as I have to get to work, and stayed up later than I planned, largely because of an unscheduled eruption of blood from my nose. Nastiest bloody nose I've had in quite a while, the damn thing just would not quit for the longest time.

This morning I am drained beyond belief. And sad. Not, maybe, in a really bad way. A bittersweet thing, I guess. But I never really noticed before that bittersweet has some serious teeth to it. In the flow of pain this one has stood up and made itself noticed, and stares me in the eye and let's me know that it's not going to budge. It's strangely beautiful, in a way, the result of something that is just so right, even if it is hot talons burrowing under the flesh.

Sorry to be so beat-around-the-bush. There are some things I just can't discuss openly. But that's okay. I'm in the ford now, being swept away. At last.

Cuz there's beauty in the breakdown

Today was another bad day, the feelings awoken last night continuing to pour over me. But tonight...for the second night in a row I called, and someone came.

There's so much beauty in the world, so much of it embodied in people, and tonight that beauty poured over me and made it okay to feel pain, made it okay to cry, and to finally mourn. To realize that it's okay to miss someone, even though they hurt you deeper than any other hurt. To begin, finally, to say good-bye and move on. And I'm filled to bursting with that beauty, and it's the most amazing thing.

It's not that I'm not hurting now. But I'm seeing it a bit more clearly for what it is, and am getting drunk on the beauty, all that amazing beauty in this world. It's overwhelming, I almost can't take it, but do anyway because I have to, must, the need crying out from the very atoms that make up my body.

I look at the people around me and am awestruck. My sister, last night, coming to my rescue. Junli, tonight, and Spookit on AIM (and a hug by proxy through Junli). Amy, dearest of friends. John, my goofy brother-in-law, who sent words of encouragement and simply let me know that he cared. I look at you guys and I want to cry, because you are so beautiful. In the ways you live and touch other lives, in the ways you create, you bring so much wonder into this world.

But tonight, I have to make a special note of Junli, who came and made me cry, made me let the tears come. Who helped me remember that even the pain is beautiful. Who let me finally begin to mourn someone who was lost. There are no words to express what she did for me tonight. As I think about it I'm beginning to cry again. She is the newest act of beauty to enter my life, and the gratitude I feel for that overwhelms me...

I look at all of you and -- want to be worthy. Want to make my life one giant act of creation, to try, in my way, to pour as much beauty into this world as I can. To take what you have given me and amplify it and pump it out into the world. To make my entire life sing the gratitude I feel. I hurt. My heart aches. My throat is sore, my eyes are red and puffy from crying, and I feel like my entire body has been through the ringer. And I'm so very, very scared of the path ahead. But tonight I am beginning to see that something has been set in motion, something wonderful. I will do this thing. I will take what you have given me and pour it out into the world, somehow, some way.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

March Lyrics Contest 3/23/05 Edition

Official (hah!) rules here.

The Exalted Ranks of the Sexy Elite:
Junli:5
Spookit: 5
Amy:3
Everyone else: unsexyville



Today's lyrics:


That's o-kay!
It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming let me out!


Remember, first posted comment with correct artist and song title wins the day. If you don't have a blogger id, use the "other option in the comment dialog and type in your name, by crickey. Bribes welcome. And yeah, I know, it's a horribly unfair set up. And frankly going to be just dripping with cheating. But please see rules for info on how complaints will be handled. :-)

trying to stay together on the edge of a razor blade

[Listening to: Hurt (Quiet) - Nine Inch Nails - Further Down the Spiral (5:08)]

It turned into a full-blown partial meltdown. Breakdown time. Gerg is breaking. By it, I mean the previous post, which was a bit manic. I was not being poetic. I was seriously close to hyperventilating. Was typing to Spookit and suddenly was having my hand go tingly and then numb. Vision was acting up. Breaths were short and shallow.

The rational part of me knows this is good, the beginning of something that needs to happen. A purging, getting the old poisons out of me. The part that's hurting like nobody's biz? It takes a rather less friendly view of teh whole thing.

So many poisons bubbling up and out. Being awake..gah. But have to stay awake. Have to. The game, I guess, is officially joined, and the stakes are everything. I won't lose. I can't lose.

But gods I hurt.

But there is a wonderful thing about sisters. They will come, from a dead sleep, and drive to your house and hold your hand and cry with you and make the hurt, if not go away, at least become bearable.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Nous sommes embarquées

[Listening to: Sometimes Always - The Jesus & Mary Chain - 21 Singles (2:33)]

Jesus what's going on? Spin spin bounce bounce...heart racing. I've been in this body for so long without actually being here, and suddenly I'm embodied, and everything is tingling, the heart is racing, I feel like I'm spining out of control. Emotions in the body, fully and deeply, and I'm not even sure what I'm feeling. Conversations today that made me once more feel that acute sense of just how asleep I was, how deaf and dumb and blind, how completely cut off. So long so long, so much time lost, so many days of life gone down the drain. And so many dreams in front of me, so much I want to do, no HAVE to do, have to have to have to. Have to see the world live in other places love laugh fuck dance surf scuba dive write write write paint see jungles be amazed be delighted be engrossed skin my knees. Now now now. NOW. So much time gone, so many Gregs wasted. So much time trying to stand still, be the noun, and now bursting to become the verb, be the verb, be pure action and growing and living. Step into the ford there is no other side just the river, get swept away, here comes the flood, let it take me. Tumble out of control. I may not get the girl, but I want to be worthy of getting the girl, to match supernova to supernova, to be the light on the hill that puts all other lights to shame, or encourages them to shine brighter. WE ARE EMBARKED. That's the new name of this blog. Into the flow of life, no reservations. May drown. Gotta take the chance, was dead already. Time to love, time to beauty, time to Gerg. Beauty beauty beauty, our glorious new verb, must beauty! Jesus, I can't stop my heart. It's beating so, like trying to make up for lost time, years of death. And frankly I'm scared out of my mind, and that's making my heart race even faster, because right now, this moment right here, it would be so easy to spin completely out of control. Deep breath, deep breath...

March Lyric Contest 3/22/05 Edition

Official (hah!) rules here.

Junli jumps into the lead with the correct answer to yesterday's lyric, which was, of course, "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey. Today's is a definite classic, one you've probably heard a million times. Enjoy that luxury. Tomorrow's entry will be one to set ya scratchin' your brain pans...

The Exalted Ranks of the Sexy Elite:
Junli:5
Spookit: 4
Amy:3
Everyone else: unsexyville



Today's lyrics:


Listen! red light, yellow light, green-a-light go!
Crazy little woman in a one man show


Remember, first posted comment with correct artist and song title wins the day. If you don't have a blogger id, use the "other option in the comment dialog and type in your name, by crickey. Bribes welcome. And yeah, I know, it's a horribly unfair set up. And frankly going to be just dripping with cheating. But please see rules for info on how complaints will be handled. :-)

Monday, March 21, 2005

Love, Beauty, and People are Verbs

Words are such strange things. Such a beautiful way to communicate, and so hideously limited. Nouns, I think, most of all. Necessary things, nouns, but in some ways, I think they make us think in, well, not the best possible ways. Especially when it comes to the big things.

Let me explain. I want to tell you about a girl. Gerg has a crush. He calls it love, not knowing if it's really that, or if he just wants it to be that, or or or. But be that as it may. Don't know if anything will ever happen with it. There are complicating situations which make it most likely this will be one of those dandy unrequited things. Very Byronesque and all. But I just want to talk about the feeling. I've been trying to analyze it lately, being prone to such silliness. And it's a complete, utter waste of time. What are her qualities, I say, and begin listing them. Nice, neat little columns of nouns. Dead, cold nouns.

I'm strangely reminded of that scientist dude who, at the turn of last century, scientifically described a smile. Sounded like a description of rigor mortis.

And this has been a problem that I have for so long fallen into. Nouns, I think, are dead things. They are categories, immutable, separate and distinct. Take the ones we use for people. We can say European and African. They are separate, distinct categories, no overlap allowed. But consider, instead, the Life that's represented. These are people we are describing. They live. Living is action. Living is movement. They love, they hate, they laugh, they cry, they fuck, they make love, they fart, they get sick, they get well, they die.

They are the same.

But let me tell you about a girl. I tried the nouns. They did not work. The image erected was some Frankenstein monstrosity, only lifeless. The electricity never fired this thing into life. That girl, constructed from those noun images, is a dead thing.

But, instead...She laughs. Oh how she laughs. She finds joy in the smallest of things. She finds beauty in what many would think mundane. She loves. She cries. She listens. She cares. She opens her heart so wide that she takes in everyone around her. I could say she is beautiful, and I could mean it in reference to her physical beauty and her spiritual beauty. But adjectives are no better than nouns. They are just empty categories. I could go all Byronic, be like those poets of old, and say she is beauty. Heck, let's capitalize it -- she is Beauty. She walks in Beauty like the night...no. No. She is not beauty. Or, rather -- and here is where our language completely breaks down -- she is beauty as an action. Beauty as a verb. She beauties. All that stuff I told you about her -- all that pulsing, vibrant life, all that action -- that is her. She is the doing. She is the action. She does not love, but is the act of loving. She does not laugh, but is the act of laughter.

Love, beauty, these are not nouns, not these hard, firm categories. They are living, breathing actions. There is no Love, only loving. Beauty is not a thing but an act.

I'm not idolizing her -- because in this experience I am realizing that this is what all people are -- we are verbs. We are actions. To be a noun is to be dead. This, I think, has been what has underlain my growing hatred of categories. Categories are nouns and adjectives. They are dead things.

For so long I tried to be a noun, and looked at others as nouns. But I am a verb. For so long I said, who is this Greg? Then, who is this Gerg? Who is this person? The correct question, of course, is how do I Gerg?

I am not Gerg. I Gerg.

And part of gerging is loving a girl who beauties. Or at least having a crush on her.

March Lyric Contest 3/21/05 Edition

Official (hah!) rules here.

The Exalted Ranks of the Sexy Elite:
Spookit: 4
Junli:4
Amy:3
Everyone else: unsexyville


Amy's sneakin' up, correctly guessing yesterday's entry as being David Bowie's "Let's Dance." So Let's Dance on to the next set of lyrics...

Just a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit
He took the midnight train goin' anywhere

Remember, first posted comment with correct artist and song title wins the day. If you don't have a blogger id, use the "other option in the comment dialog and type in your name, by crickey. Bribes welcome. And yeah, I know, it's a horribly unfair set up. And frankly going to be just dripping with cheating. But please see rules for info on how complaints will be handled. :-)

Sunday, March 20, 2005

March Lyric Contest 3/20/05 Spring Equinox Edition

[Listening to: Celebration Song - Unwritten Law - 2005-Here's To The Mourning (3:40)]

Official (hah!) rules here.

Well, folks, Spring Break is over, and that means a return to our contest. At the break, we had a tie between Spookit and Junli, with Amy threatening to sneak up on them. John was making wild accusations about the contest being rigged for the girls, totally missing the fact that Keven, despite copious help from yours truly, keeps flubbing it anyway. IT'S NOT MY FAULT. And if John would just bother bribing me, well...


Ahem. It's a completely fair contest. Really. I mean, there actually haven't been any bribes worth mentioning. The low point was probably the sprigs of grass that someone handed to me. Come on, people, have some pride in your bribe attempts!


The Exalted Ranks of the Sexy Elite:
Spookit: 4
Junli:4
Amy:2
Everyone else: unsexyville


And now, without further todo, Today's lyrics:

if you say run, I'll run with you
If you say hide, we'll hide
Because my love for you
Would break my heart in two


Remember, first posted comment with correct artist and song title wins the day. If you don't have a blogger id, use the "other option in the comment dialog and type in your name, by crickey. Bribes welcome. And yeah, I know, it's a horribly unfair set up. And frankly going to be just dripping with cheating. But please see rules for info on how complaints will be handled. :-)

Dum dum dum dum di dum dum di dum

Well, folks, it's Sunday. That means later today the return of the 80's lyrics contest. Picked out some goodies last night, so the next 12 days or whatever should be filled with 80s music happiness.

Not sure when I'll post. Evening sometime. That's all I can say. Right now, though, I have to consider the subject of food, and its general lack at teh Chateau D'Gerg. So I'm off to the store in a few.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Friday Night Things

[Listening to: Dear Lord - Joseph Arthur - Redemption's Son (4:02)]

Temple and arch, but I'm sick of the throat. At least I could talk tonight. As long as it wasn't on the phone. Phone still seems to be beyond me, must be how you pitch your voice differently. Anyhoo. Got dinner with mom, who's fretting about her little dude, Spike, who is currently at the vets recovering from a bad episode with the dreaded kitty urinary difficulties. Hopefully will return home tomorrow, where I'm led to understand a certain dog has been a bit at a loss with him gone. Did some things around the apartment and then actually -- gasp, gasp -- went out for a bit, coffee with the Spookit and lots of conversation (with ocassional coughing). Felt so good to be out of this frickin' apartment for a bit, and connected to another human being again. It's lonely and claustrophobic being sick in a small apartment.

My new god is Tylenol Cold Daytime, which has helped calm throat down majorly, and given me the joyous discovery that noses can be used for breathing.

You'll notice, if you look to the right, that there's a new toy in the side column, a link to my space on Flickr for photos. It randomly puts up three photos from my photo stream. Check it out for fun. So far there's just a pic of Sam, my mom's dog, and the ones I took at work a while back. Good fun. Flickr is pretty cool -- if you use an RSS reader, you can even subscribe to a feed to keep up with new photos as I post 'em.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Writin', not talkin'

Got first big scene done of the new story, and am currently taking a short break as I sort of previs the next one, to cop a term from the movie world. Going well, overall.

Wish I could say same for voice. I can talk, sort of, but screw talking on the phone. Completely can't do it right now. Voice cracks and disappears and the coughing starts. Mostly feel fine now. Still a little worn out feeling, but basically okay. Just can't say much.

I heard those sighs of relief. I'm watchin' y'all, so, uh, watch it.

Off to have lunch.

Mind Purge

How ironic. Past 5 days all I can do is sleep, and now I can't. And I have no voice. I have no mouth and must scream, as Harlan Ellison once put it. Only not, really. I don't really need to scream. But there's definitely a certain ants-in-the-pants feeling here at Chateau D'Gerg. Been cooped up and not liking it one bit. And the loss of speech seems to be one more thing, a sort of vocal claustrophobia, another set of walls squeezing me in. Take it easy, Spookit told me, and I have been, and am starting to really hate it, and thinking I may shove those words down the throat of the next person who uses them. It won't be anything personal, but rather just the desperate need to do something, anything. What we have here is your basic microcosm of my life at the moment. The path so clear ahead, or at least a general, foggy sense of the direction it lies in, or where I want it to lie in, and I want it all at once, everything, right now. Now. NOW. And can't, because the universe simply doesn't work that way. There are so many little baby steps to be taken, so many little details, and the skills all so atrophied that I have to pace myself just a tiny bit, take the small victories, knowing they're building up and up and up, and FUCK IT, I want it NOW. That is what this cold thing has been -- a symbol for all that. Today I was excited by my ability, over the course of 12 hours, to effect a cleaning of my apartment, including the rather dizzying feat of taking out the trash; of being able to taste, for the first time in several days, the strong cinnamon flavor of my toothpaste, not to mention the tuna sandwich I had for dinner which actually tasted like tuna, though my tastebuds, still slightly out of whack, probably overemphasized the salty taste a bit. These were the things for delirious joy -- tasting food and cleaning the toilet. It's moments like that where you just have to say: How. Sad. And there is my life right now, taking delight in these little victories. Being happy to be going out with friends when I want to be going dancing and being crazy and getting drunk and stupid. Thinking hey, it's cool, you're writing a lot more, when I want to be spewing out award-winning novels that bring tears to people's eyes and hot groupy chicks to my bed. Thinking, hey, cool, you're having a good old fashioned crush for the first time in years when, quite frankly, I want a woman. NOW. Except not now, because I couldn't say a word to her and would cough a lot and be decidedly oh so not sexy and alluring and devishly handsome. And that just won't work. I might get someone cradling my head to their breast, but out of tender sympathies and not in the afterglow of blow-the-walls-out passion. And bollocks to the tender sympathies. Baby steps Baby steps, Spookit said, but oh how I'm sick of the damn things. Baby steps. Richard Dreyfuss has a lot to answer for, uttering those words in that movie where Bill Murray was just, you know, so Bill Murray, and thus wonderful. Baby steps my ass. This waking up thing, folks, when you've been asleep, it's like stepping into a very brightly lit subway station at rush hour. You're made dizzy by the sounds and people and general rush, and you're blinded by the light, and you find yourself blinking an awful lot like Arthur Dent. I am Arthur Dent. It must be Thursday. Never could get the hang of Thursdays. Oh, it is. I am Arthur Dent, only not content with that, I want to be Ford Prefect with a splash of Zaphod Beetlebrox. I want everything in extremes right now. Not warmth but a forest fire; not light but a fucking quasar; not passion but something so burning and overwhelming that Don Juan would be left standing there, blinking, like bloody fucking Arthur Dent. To hell with the half measures. That is the thing with this cleaning thing -- the bigger cleaning thing, not the oh joy i was able to clean the toilet without passing out thing -- this realization that I have always worked in half measures, sort of dealing with the past, sort of trying to move on, and now, melodramatic as it may be, I just want to once, and for all, scream FUCK IT, and burn the fucker down, the whole damn edifice, and leave it behind me as the pile of sorry, shitty ash that it is. To be done with Gregory Hamel, whoever the fuck he was, and become this new person, whoever the fuck he is and will be. I may have to accept baby steps in some aspects of my life -- but in others, it is time to just plunge over the cliff with a mighty HUZZAH and then, as I'm plummeting, check to see if there's a parachute. It may be stupid and foolhardy, but I'll sure as hell get to the destination faster than the loser who stops to check for his parachute first.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Trying to stay together on a razor blade

[Listening to: Good About Me - Joseph Arthur - Big City Secrets (4:58)]

Minor things from World Gerg:

Cold mostly done. Have lost voice, however. If you want to talk to me, use IM right now.

Was able to clean apartment today. Felt good. Got rid of a few more things, even. I am cleaning. This is what I am right now. Cutting loose the clogs of the sewer that is the past. A bit melodramatic, but you get what I mean. Closed down my old Yahoo id and created a new one. Really breaking with past. References to the 'h' word expunged. It's a thing I have to do.

Feel like it would be so easy to spin out of control. And I'm strangely okay with that, even if part of me desperately wants to sit down and hunker in. Been doing that too long. Time to spin. Time to be dizzy.

Not been writing much -- cold took too much out of me. But today got some done, new story. Trying to assess "And the Star Fell" in my head, and mostly coming up with "errp -- crap." I'll give it a few more days, then set to work on new draft. New story is partly old story, mostly new. It will have a theme familiar to my life at the moment, but will probably be a bit humorous.

This song (points up) is so apropos to everything right now.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Tuesday's Quote

An appropriate quote since Spring Training is in full swing...

Ray Kinsella: Where'd they come from?
Shoeless Joe Jackson: Where did WE come from? You wouldn't believe how many guys wanted to play here! We had to beat 'em off with a stick!
Archie Graham: Hey, that's Smokey Joe Wood! And Mel Ott! And Gil Hodges!
Shoeless Joe Jackson: Ty Cobb wanted to play. None of us could stand the son-of-a-bitch when we were alive, so we told him to stick it!
-- Field of Dreams

Save me from deaf old men

Okay. So I have this horrid cold. Mostly done with now, but still coughy coughy and weak as shit. Yesterday slept pretty much whole day, literally something like 18 hours. And still need more. Body just completely took over.

And now there's this WANK, this FUCK. This old guy in the apartment behind me, who likes to get up early and listen to NPR, and is apparently deaf as a wall of concrete because he puts it on a volume sufficient for, say, teh International Space Station to pick up.

Oh, and now it sounds like he's moving furniture.

Someone shoot me now. Please?

And really, there's nothing worse than NPR on full volume. I avoid news nowadays. It tends to give me ulcers. So I just really, really love it when fuckass news addicts insist on sharing their desire to be "informed" with the entire world. I've come especially to have a special loathing for the NPRers, who seem to think that because it's public radio they are somehow being daringly alternative and are getting objective news. Just so you know -- you ain't. PBS and NPR are about as milquetoast and mainstream as it gets.

This snarky post brought to you by a cold virus, the letter 's,' and a variety of sleep-and-nyquil induced visions of flying platypi.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Monday's Quote

[Listening to: Breathe In - Frou Frou - Details (4:37)]

Jim Olmeyer: Do you just want to lose weight, or are you looking to increase strength and flexibility as well?
Lester Burnham: I want to look good naked!
-- American Beauty

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Sunday's Quote

It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in.
--Ricky in American Beauty


Update: And of course I can't forget, from teh end of the movie:

I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.

-- Lester

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Quote of the Day

Since most of my folks are gone this week, posting will be light. Mostly, I will do this -- good quotes. Something easy for peeps to read over when they get back...

to have blackened fingers
from the newspaper
to be excited
not only by the mind
but, at last, by a meal
by the curve of a neck
by an ear.
-- Damiel, in Wings of Desire

Friday, March 11, 2005

Friday, Spring Break, Happy Happy

For the record, the current standings in the lyric contest are:

Spookit: 4
Junli: 4
Amy: 2
Everyone else: unsexyville


Remember, contest resumes March 20th.

The Trouble with Tribbles...err, comments

Okay, some of ya are having difficulities with the comments page. Did some checking. Blogger known problems page sez:

Users are currently getting "Blog not found" errors when accessing comment
pages. We are working on getting this resolved ASAP.

So -- today there will be no lyric contest edition. Contest will resume next Sunday, March 20th. If things are still wiggy by then, maybe we go to emailed responses, or some other system, or I fire up the Livejournal blog. We'll see.

Oh, and have a wonderful spring break. I'll be playing with some of you, others will be going away, and some have already left. But have fun. Love ya all.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

To let it go and so to find a way

To let it go and so to find a way.
To let it go and so find a way.
I'm wide awake.
I'm wide awake, wide awake.
I'm not sleeping.
Oh no, no, no.
I'm not sleeping.
...

This desperation, dislocation
Separation, condemnation
Revelation, in temptation
Isolation, desolation
Let it go and so to find a way
To let it go and so to find a way
To let it go and so to find a way
- U2, "Bad"




Gonna be a late night working on "And the Star Fell." But we're in the home stretch, now, and I will definitely have it done for tomorrow, though I may be blinking rather a lot. If it's a faceplant, it will be a spectacular one. One of those stories that, even if it fails, I will feel good about.

It's funny. At one point Junli, who is one of the peeps who has seen the opening scene, asked me if the kid was me. I don't remember what I said, but...this story is me. It is, I realized tonight, a purging of fear. This story is my fear. It is not my thought or my philosophy, but merely an expression of the some of the darker thoughts that hold me in thrall at times. I am giving them form so that they can exist outside of me and thus be defanged.


I stepped outside a bit ago to get some fresh air and look at the stars (strangely appropriate at the moment...). So I'm standing at the railing in front of my apartment, breathing in the light scent of blossoms, kind of lost in thought, when I hear a sound from the apartment next to me. Someone, shall we say, was having a Good Moment. It was a beautiful sound.

I tiptoed back into the apartment.


It struck me tonight. Just how deep I had been. How deeply gone, for so many years, never really out of it. Lost in a wilderness. So deeply, deeply asleep. My invocation of Awakenings last week was far more apropos than I thought. The realization was so vivid tonight that I almost burst into tears. Almost. I think I will need someone here for the tears to really come.

"And the Star Fell" is about my fear of life. Sometime I will write the story that is about the deeper, more terrifying fear -- of going back to sleep.

I'm wide awake. I'm not sleeping.

March Lyric Contest 3/10/05 Edition

Official (hah!) rules here.

The Exalted Ranks of the Sexy Elite:
Spookit: 4
Junli:3
Amy:2
Everyone else: unsexyville


Okay, folks. Tomorrow is officially the last day of the lyric contest until next Sunday. So have fun playing today and tomorrow, and then have even more fun next week playing wherever you are playing.

Today's lyrics:

I keep looking for something I can't get
Broken hearts lie all around me
And I don't see an easy way to get out of this
Her diary it sits on the bedside table
The curtains are closed, the cats in the cradle
Who would've thought that a boy like me could come to this


Remember, first posted comment with correct artist and song title wins the day. If you don't have a blogger id, use the "other option in the comment dialog and type in your name, by crickey. Bribes welcome. And yeah, I know, it's a horribly unfair set up. And frankly going to be just dripping with cheating. But please see rules for info on how complaints will be handled. :-)

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Was gonna use this as AIM away message, but it was too long

There was a Gerg who never ate whey
Because he really knew not what it was
He liked to think about wondrous things
Like naked women, just cuz

He decided to yoga one night
But wrote a poem instead
It seemed a better thing to do
Than standing on his head

But this, he realized, had a name
Some called it procrastination
Which also included staring at walls
And other mental masturbation

But the poem it continued to grow
Without a rhyme or reason
And one line in fact lied
Which seemed to be almost treason

He began to think he should just shut up
And get his ass in gear
And do some deep, deep stretches
Before it became another year

Writing Update, and a Corridor of Scent, and hydrate, hydrate, hydrate!

Biking home tonight, sun setting on the Tucson Mountains, it was pure joy. Everything is blooming, and sailing down Mountain Ave. was like travelling through a tunnel of scent. The air is so thick with blossoms right now.

I suppose it took 10 minutes to ride home, but really it was only a moment. One, perfect moment, in which the pain I keep feeling was seen for what it is. I am alive. This is joy.


We seem to be narrowing in on a story, folks. Not sure how much more there is to go, and tonight the going is slow, but the pieces seem to be falling into place. How well, I have no idea. I can see it all so clearly in my head in one sense. But getting it on paper is tricksy, to say the least. But -- I think I'll make that Friday deadline. I can hand Junli a copy at 11, email it or give copies to some other folk. It will be rough, mind you, but then, ummm, it is a rough draft. So I guess rough is to be expected.

Gerg. Stating the obvious since forever.


So stomach, which was bothering me mondo yesterday, is mostly okay today. Not much of an appetite, but had a decent breakfast, ate a tiny bit for lunch, and managed dinner. Tonight biked to store and bought drinking material. Craving Arizona Green Tea and juice, apparently, so I stocked up, and then proceeded to drink half of the ice tea. Realized I have fallen off my hydrate hydrate hydrate program last few days, and that this was not a good thing considering my body was purging all moisture as quick as it could. Have drunk so much ice tea, juice and water tonight I feel like I'm floating.

March Lyric Contest 3/9/05 Edition

[Listening to: Honey and the Moon - Joseph Arthur - Redemption's Son (4:43)]

Official (hah!) rules here.

Special Announcement: Given that next week is Spring Break, and various contestants are going to be in various places (the wilds of Utah, Hawaii, you name it), Yours Truly, Gerg the Magnificent Oh Gosh Ain't He Just The Sexiest, is considering suspending the contest from, say, Saturday to Saturday or so. IE, Friday would be the last day for now, and the contest would pick up next Sunday. I'll let y'all know for sure in a jiffy.

The Exalted Ranks of the Sexy Elite:
Spookit: 3
Junli:3
Amy:2
Everyone else: unsexyville


Come on, boys! Get with it! Them chicks is getting cocky now!

Today's lyrics:

She starts/swingin
With the boys in/tune
And her feet just fly up in the air
Singin hey diddle diddle with a kitty in the middle
And they swingin like it just don't care


Remember, first posted comment with correct artist and song title wins the day. If you don't have a blogger id, use the "other option in the comment dialog and type in your name, by crickey. Bribes welcome. And yeah, I know, it's a horribly unfair set up. And frankly going to be just dripping with cheating. But please see rules for info on how complaints will be handled. :-)


Oh, the place I work at. The things they tell us to do. Posted by Hello

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Photos!

Decided to take camera to work today. May do so again, snap other goofballs. Look at the posts below for some of the wonderfully silly people in my life.


Faisal is an animated person. Chuck isn't impressed. Posted by Hello


Junli plays psycho old lady  Posted by Hello


Faisal tries to kiss Tony. Tony tries to avoid. In background, Spookit flicks off camera. In foreground, Junli...eats her phone?! Posted by Hello


Junli and Spookit. Spookit LOVES cameras Posted by Hello

March Lyric Contest 3/8/05 Edition

Official (hah!) rules here.

The Exalted Ranks of the Sexy Elite:
Spookit: 3
Junli:2
Amy:2
Everyone else: unsexyville


Last night saw a flurry of posts, with Spookit once more edging out one of you other hopeless saps...Keven and Gecko tried to uphold the honor of all of us guys, but Keven was just...sad, and Gecko was the aforementioned sap. So as we enter week 2 of our lyric contest, it's still all fabulous ladies in the ranks of the Sexy Elite.

Today: ooooooo, this one's a classic. We've been dancing around with New Wave all week, so maybe it's time for some big hair grab yer crotch stadium rock'n'roll.

Today's lyrics:

I don’t wanna touch you too much baby
’cos making love to you might drive me crazy
I know you think that love is the way you make it
So I don’t wanna be there when you decide to break it
No!


Remember, first posted comment with correct artist and song title wins the day. If you don't have a blogger id, use the "other option in the comment dialog and type in your name, by crickey. Bribes welcome. And yeah, I know, it's a horribly unfair set up. And frankly going to be just dripping with cheating. But please see rules for info on how complaints will be handled. :-)

Monday, March 07, 2005

Progress Report for Monday

[Listening to: New Slang - The Shins - Garden State (Soundtrack from the Motion Picture) (3:49)]

Okay, since I mouthed off last night about getting a draft of this story done by Friday, guess I should provide updates. Tonight wrote about 2600 words. That, my friends, counts as a good night. Verdict -- I can do this. Two more nights to do a rough, Thursday to go over and fine tune a bit, and then bam, I done did it. I really think, suddenly, I may do this.

I wrote the last scene. Very rough, not where it needs to be for full impact, but I can see the damn thing in my head.

Discovered a number of things about the characters, especially the Voice.

Changed the opening gambit. Got a title. Should I share? Sure, why not: "And the Star Fell."

So, we have a title. Dance with me! *dances madly*

A snippet

[Listening to: Love Is Blindness - U2 - Achtung Baby (4:23)]

Working on the story. Getting lots done tonight. 2000 words or so, so far. Feel in the mood to share, simply because I had one of those moments when, like magic, you discover the center of the story. The thing everything revolves around. You usually type it before you even realize what it is.

This is very rough at moment, but hope it will be a sufficient tease:


As they set up camp she sang and laughed and always seemed to be smiling. Once a horse crapped and she danced around the mess, laughing.

[Ay, she laughed. Always laughed, always smiled. She took a child's delight in the smallest things. I did not think you would remember, boy.]

I was happy, there under the wagon, watching. The villagers were wary, staying away. The rocks couldn't reach us.

[Yes, that is true. I am sorry, boy, for those rocks.]

What was it like? In the heavens?

[...Burning alone in a vast sea of terrible cold. But shush now, the old woman awakes.]

March Lyrics Contest 03/07/05 Edition

Official (hah!) rules here.

The Exalted Ranks of the Sexy Elite:
Spookit: 2
Junli:2
Amy:2
Everyone else: unsexyville



We come to the last day of Week #1 with a dead heat between three amazing, fabulous women. The guys are just getting spanked here. It's sad. On the other hand, I have three fabulous, amazing women coming to my blog every day. Go me.

I've been leaving them out over the plate all week, so let's try a bit of movement on the ball to end week one. This one is slightly more obscure than our previous six entries. But only slightly, because it's a song that got a lot of exposure after the 80s. And it's one of the truly great songs of the decade.

Today's lyrics:

Walking back to you
Is the hardest thing that
I can do
That I can do for you
For you


Remember, first posted comment with correct artist and song title wins the day. If you don't have a blogger id, use the "other option in the comment dialog and type in your name, by crickey. Bribes welcome. And yeah, I know, it's a horribly unfair set up. And frankly going to be just dripping with cheating. But please see rules for info on how complaints will be handled. :-)

And then there was that thing that had to do with that other thing

Okay. My away msg on AIM sez I'm goin' to bed, but feel the need to blog first. Another weekend, another bewildering array of emotions, another weekend feeling like I got through because of friends (shoutouts to ya). And just a while ago I was whining to Spookit in the most dreadful way.

And now I feel strangely better. I mean, I think I have a handle on some this suddenly. Or at least an idea of where to find a handle. Maybe, like, I know a guy who knows a guy, that kind of thing.

Anyway. Part of the problem is something I blogged about last night -- the feeling that sometimes it's just that there's so...damn...much trying to burst out of me. All those wonderful things, as I said last night, slyly alluding to Neil Gaiman. Bet you all missed that, didn't ya? Didn't ya?! Uncultured, y'all are, uncultured!(1)

Oh, sorry. Ahem. Anyway, yes. So much trying to come out. And so much has been going on, I have not been, shall we say, facilitating that with extreme vigor. SO. A challenge. The Story. The one I've been goin' on and on about without saying much of anything. I'm gonna have a draft on Friday.

The plan, as it were, is that I can share it with a few people at that point, maybe with my whole question routine if they are willing. It will be a good day because a number of people will be leaving, and can maybe take a copy if they are willing to be guinea pigs and possibly ruin their vacations. I could email a copy to DebdamselflydamarasflyJun, Australia's Woman With A Thousand Names(2), and she can go medieval on it in that wonderful way she has. I could even *gasp* post it to the workshop, and maybe, like, you know, workshop again and stuff.

[And speaking of Australia...I had this weird moment of revelation. Got the Garden State soundtrack, and was listening to this song Junli told me I would dig by this Colin Hay guy, and I'm liking it, and so kinda peek at Amazon to see what he has in way of CDs, and then have the OH moment when I realize he's the dude from Men at Work.]

And mostly, just...yeah. I'm gonna do this thing. I'm gonna. *gets pumped up* Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Who's your daddy?! Who's your daddy?! You want an education?! Cuz I'm gonna school you, boy! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! *butts heads with...umm, nobody, since I'm alone at the moment, which I guess means I fall over in rather spectacular fashion*

You heard it here first. (3)


Notes:

(1)note to self -- bad rhetorical strategy to refer to your audience as uncultured boobs. Oh, wait, I edited the boob part out. Dang it...(suddenly, the word "boob" sends Gerg off on a tangential series of thoughts...)

(2) second note to self -- don't be snarky to someone you're about to ask a big favor of. But really, I got frightfully confused. But then, I confuse easily. And, between us, I think we changed email addresses 6 times in the last year. So, as she said in a recent email, it's a pot and kettle situation. So I'll just shut up now.

(3)At this point, the patient was finally restrained and put into a jacket and given his medication, and is now happily drooling at the wall.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

March Lyric Contest 3/6/05 Edition

Official (hah!) rules here.

The Exalted Ranks of the Sexy Elite:
Spookit: 2
Junli:2
Amy:1
Everyone else: unsexyville


Oh yeah, my friends. Today we have Song #6, one of those impossibly hard to get out of your head kind of songs. This one's so full of pep you'll be bouncing all day once you hear it in your head. As bad as Rick Springfield that way, this one is. *dances in chair*

And I'm going to be a bit of a bitch on this one. You have to get the song title EXACTLY right. And that's as much hint as anyone is getting.

Today's lyrics:

Downtown we’ll drown
We’re in our never splendour
Flowers
Showers
Who’s got the new boy gender


Remember, first posted comment with correct artist and song title wins the day. If you don't have a blogger id, use the "other" option in the comment dialog and type in your name, by crickey. Bribes welcome. And yeah, I know, it's a horribly unfair set up. And frankly going to be just dripping with cheating. But please see rules for info on how complaints will be handled. :-)

Only I will remain

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
--- Frank Herbert, Dune - Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear


Today was a weird day. Last night I had dreams that alternated between nightmares and dreams filled with heat and passion and naked flesh. During day had a great talk with mom and Chris. Evening saw dark demons descend once more.

The last couple of nights, the demons have bested me at moments. Tonight I was a bit smarter. I asked Spookit if we could get coffee, and just talk silly talk, most certainly not about the thing that brought on the demons, because I'm at a point that dwelling too much on the bad part of that will do no good and much harm. We chatted about many things, then later on IM. Made pledges about how we will handle our respective, and related, life problems. We talked clothes and fashion, something I am hopeless on but want to get better about as part of a make myself feel sexier program.

Just did yoga, now, at midnight. Felt damn good.


...I forget who I am, who you are. We just Are, One, Inseparable. Words are said, but they are nothing compared to what is said with our bodies. And this moment will go on forever.



While talking to Spookit on IM, we talked about The Situation, the one that brings that horrid mixture of giddy joy and fun and pain. And I listened to Maroon 5's "She Will Be Loved" 6 times.

There is a woman I have fallen in love with. She may never be mine, but I know this -- loving her is right. Part of me thinks that sounds stupid.

The rest of me doesn't care.


There is so much inside of me, sometimes, that I feel like I will burst. When I don't write enough, that danger is there. There are old demons that demand I do destuctive things, and I used to think it was a matter of numbness, of wanting to feel something, anything. I'm beginning to think it is because sometimes there is so much inside of me that I need to get out. So much beauty I want to create and share, and if I don't I will explode.

Something remembered from a book reread recently -- there are such wonderful things inside of me. I never knew.


...I scratch at the lid of the coffin. The darkness squeezes down on me, suffocating me. No one hears me scream "but I never lived..."


I have been really stupid this week. Really, really stupid. But tonight I was smart again, and chose contact and connection over moping in the dark and descending into waking nightmare. I did not let fear control me, but stared it in the face and said, "Yes, you exist. But so much more does." I have friends. My fears do not. They lose.


...you are naked in my arms, sleeping. The bed is large with soft white sheets, and the moonlight and a light breeze stream through an open window. I just lie there, and watch you sleep, and trace the form of your body in the silver light. This, I think, is the pefect moment. And this moment will go on forever.



Gerg has been hidden inside of Greg for so long, and is trying to get out. And will. Like any birth it will be painful. But I will step forth, and look upon the world for the first time, see it with a child's eyes, and be amazed.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

March Lyric Contest 3/5/05 Edition

Official (hah!) rules here.

The Sexy Elite:
Spookit: 2
Junli:1
Amy:1

Everyone else: unsexyville

Today's lyric is probably dead easy, but may be from a part of the song that will give a few people pause:

Traveling in a fried-out combie
On a hippie trail, head full of zombie


Remember, first posted comment with correct artist and song title wins the day. If you don't have a blogger id, use the "other option in the comment dialog and type in your name, by crickey. Bribes welcome. And yeah, I know, it's a horribly unfair set up. And frankly going to be just dripping with cheating. But please see rules for info on how complaints will be handled. :-)

Friday, March 04, 2005

Storms

[Listening to: In the Waiting Line - Zero 7 - Garden State (Soundtrack from the Motion Picture) (4:31)]

Storm coming this weekend. The clouds have started moving in.

I was sitting here feeling very, very claustrophobic all of a sudden. Claustrophobic in this apartment, claustrophobic in my own skin. Wishing I could find a seam somewhere I could open and step out, finally.

So I stepped outside. Suddenly needed cool air and open space. Will be back out in a second. And was just kind of watching the city lights and listening to the night sounds, and noticing how cars sound different at night, like their tires are travelling over different roads than exist in the day. And off to the west, the clouds are piling up over the Tucson Mountains. I kept catching flashes out of the corner of my eyes, and finally realized what I was seeing. Lightning, far off, beyond the mountains, like the distant flashes one might see miles from the front of a war.

So many temptations right now. So much pulling at me. So much wanting me to drown in it. And some I want to drown in, and should; some I want to drown in, and shouldn't; and some I want to run from like the plague, and should; and some...you get the idea. So much, so very, very much piling on, and there's moments this poor boy feels like he's going to collapse under the weight of it all.

That's been the feeling this week. Just so much. So much of it good, don't get me wrong. But just so, so much. And in my long sleep I had gotten use to such small doses. And now I'm mainlining life right through the eyeball. And now the demons are out in full force, and I find myself fighting nightly battles that leave me exhausted. And having moments where I weaken, and let them win, and worrying that they will win, and and and...

...and a moment comes when I have to trust, and remember the truest of the true things in my life. There are people that won't let me drown, won't let me hide, won't let me sink back into sleep. I'm like a bungee jumper who has to step off the bridge trusting that the cord has actually been tied to them.

Back outside. I need more fresh air.

Small Update

[Listening to: One of These Things First - Nick Drake - Garden State (Soundtrack from the Motion Picture) (4:48)]

I was getting more and more unhappy with the previous layout, so I'm going to this one for now, just one of the default templates. Not much to look at, but...pssst, don't tell, but Spookit may be doing a layout for me. *dances*

I apparently will be spending lots of time with her in the next week quizzing her mightily for a huge exam she has. In the meantime, you can pretend that the wallpaper has been taken down, and the walls primed for the paint job. Stay tuned!

March Lyric Contest 3/4/05 Edition

Official (hah!) rules here.

In yesterday's edition of the 80's Lyrics contest, we saw a battle of epic proportions that saw Spookit narrowly edge out Amy, who was heard to declare at work today, "I shall destroy her."

The song, of course, was the oh-so-impossible-to-get-out-of-your-head "Jessie's Girl" by Rick Springfield.

The Standings:
Spookit:2
Junli:1
Everyone Else: get with it, people. have some pride!


What will happen today? Will Junli catapult back into a tie for first? Will Amy get the lucky break this time? Will someone else jump in to make things interesting?

Today's lyrics:

With the heartbreak open
So much you can’t hide
Put on a little makeup makeup
Make sure they get your good side good side


Remember, first posted comment with correct artist and song title wins the day. If you don't have a blogger id, use the "other" option in the comment dialog and type in your name, by crickey. Bribes welcome. And yeah, I know, it's a horribly unfair set up. And frankly going to be just dripping with cheating. But please see rules for info on how complaints will be handled. :-)

Gerg's iTunes Top 10 3/4/05

[Listening to: Bullet and a Target - Citizen Cope - Bullet and a Target - Single (3:48)]

I know. Who really cares. But it's been amusing me.

  1. Let Go -- Frou Frou

  2. Don't Fear (The Reaper) -- Unto Ashes

  3. Jerk It Out -- Caesars

  4. The Promise -- When In Rome

  5. Remnants of a Deeper Purity (2004) -- Black Tape for a Blue Girl

  6. There She Goes, My Beautiful World -- Nick Cave And The Bad Seeds

  7. Babe You Turn Me On -- Nick Cave And The Bad Seeds

  8. Beautiful People -- Rusted Root

  9. Gone for Good -- The Shins

  10. I'd Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That) ("Single Edit") -- Meat Loaf



Most interesting to me is that some new stuff is starting to creep up. Unto Ashes and Nick Cave are stagnating slightly. Bouncier music in general is coming to the fore. Breathing fire in the 11-25 spots on the top 25, we have Kasabian, The Killers, Jem, Metric and Citizen Cope, all of whome are gaining ground on what looks like a stagnating field.

One night and many bad dreams later...

...feeling a bit better again. Had a bad night of feeling weak and having old demons screaming in my ear encouraging various stupid things. But Spookit talked to me for a bit, and helped mightily.

Dreams sucked, though.

Don't know right now what will happen with the Spud situation. No decision will be made any time soon. We'll just have to see.

Dreams sucked, did I mention that? But it's payday, and there's money in the bank, and things can be paid. I'm still afloat, still have strength to keep up the fight, and mostly beat the demons down last night.

And it's a beautiful day. I shall sink into that fact and recharge.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Fuck

It just doesn't seem to stop right now. I keep finding new ways to feel pain. This one isn't new. It's been brewing in my head for months. But the greater clarity of thought that I've been having lately has put it into sharp relief.

Let me tell you about my cat. At the darkest hour of my life, he came into it. He had been a street cat, brought into the home of a neighbor beaten up and starving, and then came to me. His first reaction was to hide under my bed. I remember laying down on the floor and telling him that we'd make a deal -- we'd look after each other. We'd get each other through it.

I was so close to the abyss at that point. So very, very close. He helped keep me away from it. I had a responsibility to him. I had one small anchor in a world that for me had become a vast, landless ocean.

And things have changed in my life. A lot. And I find myself with a horrible set of circumstances in regards to Spud -- I live in a small studio apartment which he is stuck in day and night. Increasingly, I am spending time away from here. I work long, long hours, typically gone from 9-7 and sometimes more. I'm going out more. More and more, Spud is alone here. When we lived with my mother, he at least had Sam for company during the long hours the humans were away.

And a few weeks ago I had a scare. He lost a tooth. Luckily there has been no infection. But it brought home a simple fact -- if something happens, if he needs some kind of care, I'm in no position to be able to afford it. And he's 7 years old now. It's more and more likely to start happening.

And so I'm left with a decision. I don't know what I will do. But I do know that the promise I made to him a long time ago may lead me to have to make the hardest choice of all, to find him a home where he can get the love and attention he deserves, and the security. I promised him I'd take care of him. And that may mean, now, pain for me.

Do you want to borrow my diaper?

DOH! Not since that dude took a spill on ABC has there been such AGONY OF DEFEAT...

In what can only be described as the Great Reload Battle of '05, Spookit edged out the Amazing Amy(tm) by a mere minute according to the post times. Poor Amy thought she had it. Better luck next time. And Junli got bumped, too, and she even got the hint.

What will tomorrow bring? Tune in!

March Lyrics Contest: 3/3/05 Edition

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's your 1980s music DJ here, ready to spin some vinyl on a night he finds himself home surprisingly early and not at all sure what to do with the open evening. So, might as well post today's lyrics.

Official (hah!) rules here.

Current Scores:

Junli: 1
Spookit: 1
Everyone else: Nada zilch Nothing, ya suckers


On day 2, we saw Spookit make Junli's triumph short-lived, as she correctly guessed the song lyrics as being from Belinda Carlisle's "Heaven is a Place on Earth." Spookit taunted the crowd, saying, and I quote,

oh yea? what what biotches? THATS WHAT I THOUGHT!!

Today's lyrics:

And I want to make her mine
And she’s watching him with those eyes
And she’s lovin’ him with that body, I just know it
And he’s holding her in his arms late, late at night


Special hint for Junli (others don't read :-) ): the song was sung by either a guy or a girl. Just so you know.

Remember, first posted comment with correct artist and song title wins the day. Anonymous posts, remember to put yer name. Bribes welcome. And yeah, I know, it's a horribly unfair set up. And frankly going to be [Okay, IS] just dripping with cheating. But please see rules for info on how complaints will be handled. :-)

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Tap on my window knock on my door / I want to make you feel beautiful

You feel so weird tonight.

You're happy. Really. Which, of course, explains why you're suddenly sitting here feeling choked up.

You buzz with energy. You feel like you could burst. You are uncomfortably aware of how long it has been since you really touched another person, and were touched by them. You are frustrated. Sad and happy. Elated and disheartened. Feeling the unfairness of life that can make it so you fall for a person at a time that it just ain't going to happen. Maybe it would, another time, but not now, and so it sucks. And doesn't, because the person is still an amazing part of your life. You'll take that any day, and so you'll endure the pain that comes.

And the people around you have their pains, and sometimes you feel so helpless to do anything about it, and feel like a dork as you repeat "I'm here for you" and the like over and over again. These people mean so much to you. They're your family, really. You barely know what the term family means anymore, but these people must be it, because you realize you'd do anything for them, and that you feel their pains as if they were your own.

But above all, you come back to this -- that you want, for once, to make someone feel beautiful, to let them see the entirety of themselves, physical and mental and spiritual, like you see them.

And a voice whispers in your head that it was so much simpler when you were asleep, and then you can feel the tears coming, because you realize there is something worse than the pain you feel right now. And you desperately need to hear another voice right now, but it's late and you're alone in the darkness.

March Lyric Contest 3/2/05 Edition

Official (hah!) rules here.

Day Two of the Lyric Contest. Current Scores:

Junli: 1
Everyone else: Big Fat Zeroes

On day 1, we had Junli jump in first with the correct answer, U2's "Sunday Bloody Sunday." After what can only be described as an incredibly shameless bout of cheating, she laid some slapdown action on the rest of our contestants:

yee hawww biatches!


I assume the rest of you won't take that lying down, especially since the magnitude of her cheating was only outdown by the magnitude of sadness in watching the torturous way she went about cheating.

Today's lyrics:

When the night falls down
I wait for you
And you come around
And the world's alive
With the sound of kids
On the street outside


Remember, first posted comment with correct artist and song title wins the day. Anonymous posts, remember to put yer name. Bribes welcome. And yeah, I know, it's a horribly unfair set up. And frankly going to be just dripping with cheating. But please see rules for info on how complaints will be handled. :-)

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

ziggity wawa who ha mambo number ten....

Wrote another scene of the mystery story tonight. It is beginning to clarify some things. And I even sketched out some of the other scenes that need to be written. Goal for rest of week is a scene a day.

But one thing became clear in writing this, something I was partly suspecting already -- there's a whole section of this story to be told. There is something terrible in the past of this boy. Not sure what yet. I get glimpses, like the flashes of memory you get from nightmares that have faded in the sunlight.

There are many ways in which this story is hard to write. The terrible pain lurking in it is probably the biggest.


A realization about life and storytelling: every story worth telling has some pain lurking in its background. Great stories are not perfect people with perfect lives doing perfect things. It is people loving and hurting and making mistakes, some of them terrible, and having things done to them, and somehow still rising above them. It is about people skinning their knees on the hard ground but reaching for the sky.

I want to be a tale worth telling.


Things that brought me joy today -- seeing a friend in hysterical giggles. A endless chorus line of smile after smile. Speaking with a dear friend with whom I have not spoken with as much recently as I should, and making plans to do more talking tomorrow. The day, which was soft and warm and cool and filled with the scent of Palo Verdes in bloom, and a lovely blue sky that stretched to infinity. The night ride home on my bike, in jeans and short sleeves, the air cool on my skin with just the slightest of bites to it, like a playful lover.

March Lyric Contest 3/1/05 Edition

Okay, Kiddies, Let the Lyrics Guessing Begin!

Today we begin with one that, well, isn't probably too hard, but maybe a little. Not sure. But it is a goody, one of the great songs of the 80s.

Remember, to win, you have to post the first comment with the correct answer. Email don't count. If you post anonymously, make sure your name is in post, 'tay?

Today's Lyrics:

How long, how long must we sing this song?
How long? Tonight we can be as one.
Tonight, tonight.

March Lyrics Contest: The 1980s, The Decade That Dared to Come After the 70s. Rules Repost

[Reposting this entry, since a certain little brat had to play brain-damaged 2 year old and post obnoxious comments that are so large I can't actually delete them without just nuking the post.]

It's almost March. I just realized that. Tomorrow is the last day of February. Which I think we shall henceforth rename Gergruary. So last day of Gergruary. And then, TUESDAY. MARCH. Which means --

Sharpen your 80s Music Pencils of Amazing Eurditeness.* And get out the graters, cuz there's gonna be a lot of cheese.

The Official Rules:

  1. Each entry shall be posted at...ummm. Sometime or another. May vary it a bit so we don't get campers (looks pointedly at sister. Not for any reason. It's just I'm a little brother and so have to make wild accusations about her). They'll be conveniently titled.

  2. Each entry shall consist of several (at least 2) lines from an 80s song. That's really the only criteria. There will no doubt be a lot of New Wave, because DUH, but, as a friend who is wise said recently, there's basically just good music and bad music.** Hopefully the 31 entries will have a nice range from New Wave to Big Hair Rock to obscure underground music. And maybe even a country song or two.

  3. You must post a comment (if you don't have a blogger id, be sure to include your name when you comment or it don't count!). First comment wins for that day. Each day's entry will include a tally of the current leaders.

  4. To win the day's lyric quote, you have to supply both the name of the song and the band. And yeah, I am gonna be a bitch and throw in some of those one hit wonders no one remembers. In the case of songs that might have more than one version, you have to name the 80s version. If there is more than one 80s version, I will accept any correct ones.

  5. Winner by raw count of total wins during the month. Winner gets a 10 dollar gift certificate to the iTunes Music Store. Or some other equalish gift if you'd rather have something else.

  6. In the event of a tie, the gift certificate goes to the person who gives the most interesting bribe to Yours Truly.***


The final rule, of course, is that this contest is completely run at the impish whim of Yours Truly, the God in these parts called The Cottage of Lost Play. Complaints will be met with stony silence or water pistols.

*(tm)2005 Junli Hopkins and Ironic Misspellings, Inc.
**This is really actually quite meaningless in this case, since I fully intend to include some frankly horrid songs because, well, why not?
***And I am disturbingly easy to bribe. And not just with money. I'm really quite shameless. But be creative. (Available women may have an advantage here.)