Wednesday, April 06, 2005

And I trembling what to say say Pie Glue!

Writing. This is the thing this week. Everything else -- I'm struggling. Head above water, and aiming to stay that way, but really feeling like my feet have been swept out from underneath me. So. Grab a lifeline -- writing.

"And The Star Fell" is progressing forward on its new draft at a steady pace, all hand-written at the moment, and sometimes in a feverish scrawl that is going to be joy to decipher when I finally start typing it into the computer. And I want to, because I'm wanting to share this story again suddenly. Want that draft to share. It's an amazing thing. I was so freaked after I read over the first draft. I had given it to Junli before she left for Hawaii, and then read it, panicked, thinking oh shit why did I share this with ANYONE, and became deeply convinced I had totally faceplanted. What's especially funny about this is that today I find out that Junli -- who had no instructions from me otherwise and thus is totally blameless and should not, in any way, feel bad about this -- shared the story with her father. So two people read it, one a perfect stranger to me at the moment except through reputation. Oh dear.

Anyway. What I had, in fact, done, was not so much a real, honest-to-god draft, but rather a sort of thinking out/outlining/sketching draft. And now things are coming together in this methodical, feverish way -- scene by scene, each revealing the next. Deep level rewriting. Layers being added. Interesting questions coming up. Getting more comfortable with some of the tricksy bits. It is hard, let me tell you, writing in a first person POV when the narrator is mentally wigged out -- starved, delerious, time itself going a bit batty, as he is slowly...oh, must shut up. Don't want to give away anything.

Most proud I am of the kinds of questions I'm asking in this draft. I'm thinking in skill terms at a bit of a new level for me. I really feel like this is a story where I'm stretching myself that next bit. It feels good. And what the fuck is up with that Yoda moment in the first sentence of this paragraph? "Most proud I am, yes. Go to the Dark Side you will." *thunks head on table*

It was not too many days ago that I had some really fucking dark thoughts going through my head. Big, ugly self-doubts. And now, tonight, looking over the last few days, I'm having this strange sensation -- that I'm creating something beautiful. Like if I bring this story into the world I will have birthed some beauty into this world, fought back the ugly a bit. That may sound arrogant. But it's what it feels like. I'm still amazed at the idea that I might be able to do that. May have, in fact, done it. I have to hold on to that feeling, and use it to fight the fuckass voice that tries to bring me down. It's a hard fight ahead. I'm scared shitless, frankly. But these last couple of days -- I have written, I have created some beauty. Take that, you fucking piece of shit voice.

p.s. Some votes for a change of venue for this blog have come in. Any other peeps out there having problems with comments? I'll decide by the end of the week, I think, if only so Spookit knows which blog format she has to design my template for.


At 12:56 pm, Blogger abstract gecko said...

share share share - i wanna read a gerg story!!!


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